Monday, October 20, 2003

Well, I've been discharged since last Tuesday. So far so good but things aren't going as smoothly as they could be. Going back to East Loan for the night provided some respite for me from living in the community / real world. I wasn't going there much but I still miss it.

What happens to those schizophrenics that take a good look at reality and decide its not for them? They get discharged anyway on the grounds you have a higher quality of life out in the community than in hospital. I respectfully beg to differ.

Walking around the place, blitzed out of your mind on antipsychotic medication, still having to cope with everything else has to deal with is not a level playing field. Schizophrenia is a disability in itself and the medication is another key part of the disabling process. If you're on antipsychotics, you won't scare the horses and you still get symptoms. If you're not on antipsychotics, you get a much clearer thinking abilities with increased symptoms. Also, I've got a "living will" instinct which means the worse my antipsychotics pummel me into the ground, the more likely I am to take an overdose to end it all. Well why not? I'm trapped in a foggy hell moving slowly through reality not in full control of my faculties - my memory is shockingly bad and my reasoning is up to scratch but nowhere near as good as it used to be.